Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

my favorite genre of twitter

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

good let them take over I have had enough

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!