Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES

Breaking news:

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.

I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot