Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
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detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
me linking you to my twitter
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo