Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money