Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
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Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.