Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

Boom, boom, ching!

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers