Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.

Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.