Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
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Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Life hack
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Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
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I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
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Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
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[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?