Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
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If my kids invented a drink.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Day 2 of my diet
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously