Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

Message from teachers: no clubs this week

Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week

Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week

School electronic sign: no clubs this week

Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.