Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.