[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
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Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
More like Kate Missington.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.