Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
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Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes