Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
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Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I will never stop laughing at this
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems