Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
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“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
also my go-to takeaway order
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Dammit Chief not again
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.