Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
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Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about
All I’m saying is that big burgers should be fucking wider not taller
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
This billboard speaks to me
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Life hack
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*