Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
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I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
same energy
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean