VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
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[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them