Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

Y’all ready for this