Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
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People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
They’re the worst 😩
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless