Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

To the max.. 😂

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