Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

Someone just threatened to call me later

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.