Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

“you look easy to draw”

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?