Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

when there are deer in the woods

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: Answering stupid questions.

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.