Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?