Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.