Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

My love language is deader than Latin

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

Pikachu found the lost joint

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.