Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.

Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

[Interview]

Me: I really need the paycheck

Him: This is an unpaid internship.

Me: Do you provide snacks?

Him: Um, yes

Me: Keep going…

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?