Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000

Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

Seek kebab; not attention

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.