VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
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Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️