Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]

King’s Men: all the King’s men are here

Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?

King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses

Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

Twitter basically:

Person: “These socks are itchy.”

Other people:

“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”

“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”

“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”

“First-world foot problems.”

“The real problem is shoes.”

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)