Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.

5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!

Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.