Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
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“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all