Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
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If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match