Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
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Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift