Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
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“FOUND ‘EM!”
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician