Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please vote for people who are attractive

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

I wish I were this cool 😂

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool