*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Word!
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
saw this in a dream
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
