*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
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Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Guy who likes music
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.