Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
