Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
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Woke up against my better judgment again
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
And now we wait
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won