Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
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So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
In Russia, the cold complains about you.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.