Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

File under excellent bookstore names.

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.