Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
You Might Also Like
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Today’s tshirt
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.