Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

Hamburger Hinderer.

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

Wasps: bees, but not helping

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube