Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
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I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
A game married people play.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”