[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
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[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
BaD BoY!!
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no