Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
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dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
LOL
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive