video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
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The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I have many caverns
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.