video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
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My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.