How did we decide to go with cockpit?
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Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*