I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up