video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
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INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea