video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
You Might Also Like
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Approached a patron who was cooking a pot of ramen at a study table and said “I’m sorry but you can’t do that in the library.”
Indignantly they responded “Where do you expect me to do it? At my house?”
And I was like “Well when you say it like that it does sound unreasonable.”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
No way!
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]