Video games don’t cause violence, but they do teach you that it’s important to always loot the corpse.
You Might Also Like
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Seems kinda suspicious
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t