Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
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TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
A great tip. #CakeRex
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.