Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
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Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Are you a cat person or a person person?
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination