Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
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I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.