Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!

Said No Man Ever

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

ㅤ

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

What.

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.