Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
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Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.