Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
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My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
If you love someone, let them tweet.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.