Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
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Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
me as a parent
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
From Facebook just now…
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine