Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
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No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.