Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
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I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?