Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
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There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying