Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel…

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

la cocaina

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.