Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

good let them take over I have had enough

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets