Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
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“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.