Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
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Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…