Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
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9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.