video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
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The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.