Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

I didn’t realize that was an option

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you