Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

I feel it

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

me when the borders lift

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.